Addiction to Unrequited Love

The Torchbearer—S/he will love me one day - 

by ESPsychic Mandy

It may sound silly for an individual to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or inconsistent. As a result, the child of such a household may have felt anxious to win the love, praise or affection of a parent—or someone else influential—who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing. Thus, such a child became a ‘torchbearer,’ i.e. they put their parent or other influential role model on a pedestal, looking up to them to receive recognition or approval.

Alternatively, the child could have witnessed one parent in an unrequited love relationship with the other and taken that energy on. If it wasn't an issue of childhood environment, then possibly some sort of other trauma occurred to upset the torchbearer’s self-esteem, as well as their ability to feel safe receiving love. Sometimes there may have occurred a sudden and unexpected separation, betrayal, health, or appearance issue. Other times, an individual may begin this pattern after leaving/ending an abusive marriage or relationship. Subconsciously there may be a fear of being loved and committed to because it means getting close enough to someone who can become controlling or hurtful. At the same time, however, there is a strong desire for commitment and to feel  safe, cherished and approved of.

Whatever the case, the torchbearer may find themselves attracted to love situations that seem to keep them stuck in a predictable dynamic: loving someone without receiving love back. Although the torchbearer may feel unworthy of love on one level, they often know they are worthy on another. This inner conflict can result in the torchbearer feeling confused as to why they stay addicted to an unavailable person. The relationship then becomes about fantasy, idealization, and/or avoidance. In some cases a love-hate relationship ensues where the addict both loves and disapproves of the object of their devotion.

According to Susan Peabody, author of Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships, the main categories of love addictions include:

• obsessed love addicts: these love addicts obsess about their love interest and cannot let go even if their love interest is unavailable or abusive
• codependent love addiction: these love addicts need to please a partner to feel a sense of self, approval or self-worth.
• narcissistic love addicts: these love addicts take advantage of their partner. They can act disinterested, selfish or abusive even though they feel addicted to their love interest and may not be able to let go
• ambivalent love addicts: this category of love addicts includes unrequited love addicts (also known as 'torch-bearers'), saboteurs, seductive withholders, and romance addicts. The main goal of the love addict (often subconscious) is to avoid true intimacy and bonding. These love addicts often crave love and affection, but are afraid to get too close to a love interest at the same time.

As stated above, an ambivalent love addict is usually characterized as an individual who both deeply craves love, intimacy, commitment and unconditional love, while at the same time experiencing fears of relating deeply to another person. Such love addicts end up consciously or unconsciously pushing love away or holding it at a distance. At a subconscious level, it can feel much safer for these individuals to love someone who isn't fully available or who is not interested in a full commitment. Becoming attracted to an individual who is married, committed to another, distant, a player, a saboteur, someone they can never approach, or a sex addict may act to help the torchbearer avoid a true relationship/intimacy. Some torchbearers end up attracted to friends or colleagues, hoping the attraction will become something more. Sometimes the love object may not even know the love addicts is attracted to them. The love addict may be waiting for the love object to show interested before exposing their own feelings.

With many of the torchbearers that I have provided intuitive readings, I find they are good at rationalizing and creating various excuses for their need to continue fantasizing over the love interest. Simultaneously, there may also be a counter-productive excuse for never letting the love interest know their real feelings. So, this keeps the torchbearer in a mode of waiting, either for the right time to express their feelings, or for the day that their love interest will acknowledge them in a desired way.

I have found that an interesting dynamic can occur in a few cases if the torchbearer actually succeeds at winning the affections and commitment of the individual they desire it from. What is this dynamic? Either the craving is cured because the love addict loses interest now that their feelings have been reciprocated, or the love addict lives out the same high anxiety throughout a committed relationship based on severe fears of being rejected (because the commitment is now making them face their deepest fear— if someone gets too close to them they will find them unlovable and abandon them). In essence, the torchbearer runs the risk that even if they obtain the object of their desire, they may not achieve the closeness or intimacy they crave unless they change why they were addicted in the first place. Sometimes the addiction simply changes. An addict may transform from a torchbearer into a seductive withholder, codependent love addict, or other.

 

Sometimes the love addict is so used to getting a 'high' off of feelings of fear and obsession that being in a normal relationship where love is reciprocated may not feel challenging enough. The love addict may feel like they lack passion for the other person. The end result continues to be the avoidance of a real intimate attachment that is capable of providing true love, security and protection.

For example, if you look at King Henry the VIII, he would take mistress after mistress and get bored very quickly and be done with them. With regard to Anne Boleyn, Henry became obsessed with her primarily because she refused his advances. However, once they married, consummated their relationship and bore a child, he quickly lost interest.

So, how do you know if you are addicted to unrequited love? The list below is not a comprehensive list, but merely notes characteristics I typically see with predominantly female clients:

• Do you obsess over or find yourself only attracted to love interests who are not available in some way, married, playing you, 'just friends,' or have left you?
• Do you fear communicating your feelings to your love interest? i.e. Do you fear asking them their feelings? Or, alternatively, do you find yourself communicating what you want over and over, unable to accept a lack of response (or a half-hearted response) as simply an indicator that your love object may not be on the same page?
• Do you suffer in silence while you hold adoration towards someone who doesn’t really know? (While some unrequited love addicts pursue their interests openly and ardently, others can hold torches for people who have no idea the love addict either exists or has feelings for them.)
• Do you expect your love interest to be psychic or empathic enough to know and interpret your feelings and needs, even though you have been unable to communicate anything?
• Are you living out your relationship psychically, in your head, or vicariously through ‘signs’? Are you feeling that you are always ’picking up’ on or empathically sensing your love objects feelings, projections or emotions even though there is no contact or grounded evidence he feels these ways?
• Do you find yourself always hoping and waiting for some indication your feelings are reciprocated, which days and weeks go by and then months and you are still hoping and waiting?
• Are you never able to feel ‘close’ in a real way to the person you are holding a torch for?
• Are you continually asking yourself many questions, wondering about the other person’s feelings and intentions (or potential future intentions) without ever grounding anything to test to see if your fantasies are real?
• Do you have other addictions, such as to sex, psychics, alcohol etc.?
• Do you feel you cannot let go of the love interest even though it is not making you feel loved? Do feel powerless to stop at will?
• Is the preoccupation with this interest having a more negative affect on you spiritually, financially or in other ways, than positive? In the end, are you losing more than you gain?
• Do you have a history of being hurt or obsessing on lack of love, attention or approval by a parent or someone else influential in your earlier life?

For those with less intense expressions of this addiction:

• Are you confused why you only seem to attract individuals where your feelings are stronger than theirs? If so, do you feel bored with people who are into you or once a relationship starts to develop?
• Does it seem that all of the individuals who would be the 'right type' for you (i.e. loving toward you) are individuals you cannot see yourself 'falling in-love' with?

In general, if you have a love interest that you crave but are afraid to reach out to in any real and genuine way for fear of rejection, then you might be addicted to unrequited love. You may also be addicted if there is an underlying knowledge that expressing your wants and needs would not be appropriate. I've talked to many clients who are totally engaged with these types of interests, sometimes even sexually, but they know on some level there are certain things they cannot ask/dare communicate because their love interest is not on the same page (and on some level they know it).

Here is an example of one kind of non-communicative unrequited love addict who does have some form of relationship and interaction with her love interest:

A woman starts to like an attractive man. They meet and there is some flirting—the man seems interested in the woman. Information is exchanged and this is followed by mixed signals that mark the relationship. The woman starts obsessing and fantasizing about having a relationship with the man. However, the man won't make a clear indication that he is interested; i.e. he may not be calling her. So, the woman ends up doing most of the contacting to keep the interaction ongoing. The woman attempts to ‘act’ as casual as possible because she wants the man to make his interest known first. She is getting some cues of affection and indication of interest, but it’s kept at a superficial level. Thus, she always feels unsure. This goes on for some time, even months, and the woman starts to frequently ask herself, “Does this guy really want a relationship, or am I just a casual interest or a friend?” Despite feeling a sense of unknowing and distress, the woman will never risk asking to find out. She starts asking for advice from other friends who tell her to forget about the love interest; yet she hangs on in hopes that he will ask for a real date, a commitment or show he cares.

The man is simply not putting out a vibe of wanting a full-on relationship. However, within the mind of the woman, she starts to fantasize that maybe he is just scared, can't communicate or is insecure. She carries hope that he will start to be more demonstrative or want something more if she can just be patient enough or never upset the status quo. She even wonders, “Should I say something or make a move?,” but something inside is telling her it's not safe to tell this person how she feels because they are not on the same page. So, she keeps holding a torch. Eventually, she finds out the man has started to pursue someone else and she feels upset and betrayed. But, in the end, she has never had a clear indication that they were in a 'relationship.'

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